Love bombing sounds romantic. In reality, it mainly comes into one’s life to steal, kill and destroy. Imagine waking up every day to a romantic text from a new love interest. Next thing, they design your office space with your favourite flowers. Before you can take another breath, they are talking about marriage and how many babies they cannot wait to have with you.
For many ladies, a man who does the above looks like a match made from heaven. What they often do not know is they are amid a love bombing that will first drain ladies emotionally and mentally, and then result in a hot breakfast.
Now, let us dive more into the love bombing concept and why it is so dangerous.
What is love bombing?
Cleveland Clinic defines love bombing as a form of psychological and emotional abuse that involves a person going above and beyond for you to manipulate you into a relationship with them. A love bomber aims to quickly obtain the affection and attention of a love interest by presenting an idealised image of themselves. They are ready to go over and beyond for the love interest, being the perfect husband or wife material.
“Initially, you might feel safe, secure and swept off your feet because grand gestures are a self-esteem boost and make you feel important and desired,” says psychologist Alaina Tiani, PhD. “But the love bomber’s ultimate goal is not just to seek love, but to gain control over someone else. Over time, those grand gestures are an effort to manipulate you and make you feel indebted to and dependent on them.”
Love bombing is most often a symptom of narcissistic personality disorder and even a symptom of borderline personality disorder. According to psychotherapist Ami Kaplan, LCSW, love bombing is largely an unconscious behaviour.
“It’s about really getting the other person. Then when they feel like they got the person and they feel secure in the relationship, the narcissist typically switches and becomes very difficult, abusive, or manipulative.”
This is why a love bomber can easily switch from being smitten by their love interest to completely devaluing them.
Love bombing often happens in three phases:
Idealisation phase: This is when the love bomber bombards their love interest with excessive love and affection to get them to fall in love and let their guard down. They seem to be a perfect match made from heaven, the husband and wife material you have been praying for.
Devaluation phase: This is after the love bomber has caught their love interest in their net. Now, this is when the red flags begin to appear. You discover that this “perfect” person has serious insecurity issues, anger problems and they are just terrifying crazy. They begin to manifest their narcissistic behaviour, such as demanding your attention all the time, getting upset when you make plans without them and limiting access to your friends and family. They can even physically assault you to intimidate you into conforming to their standards.
Discard phase: When you have finally had enough of their toxic behaviour and confront them about it, they may gaslight you, refuse to take responsibility for their actions or just dump you when they are ready to move on. This can mess up your mental health.
Signs of love bombing
Below are 10 common signs of love bombing you should watch out for.
1. They want to know everything about you at once
Of course, when you are interested in someone, you want to know everything about them. It is normal. However, this type of behaviour often seems excessive when it comes to a love bomber. They appear fascinated by you. Every little detail about you mesmerises them. They want you to keep sharing personal information to the point when you wonder why they are so curious.
However, the love bomber is not merely interested in you. They want to use sensitive information as a means of exploitation and manipulation later in the relationship. In other words, they will use the information you provided to control, blackmail and damage your reputation when your relationship with them goes south.
2. They give you unnecessary gifts
Gift-giving is a love language for many people. However, it becomes a problem when the gifts are unnecessary, unwanted, extravagant or over-the-top. For instance, you can spot a love bomber when they are constantly sending flowers and chocolates to you at work. Even when you let them know that their gifts are becoming embarrassing, they will not listen. Instead, they will try to up their game in gift-giving.
3. They dump their problems on you
To a love bomber, everyone and everything has offended them at some point in their lives. Within a short time, they will tell you all about their childhood traumas and their entire medical and psychiatric history. Such candidness can be endearing as it seems to be a sign of an honest partner. However, a love bomber only shares this personal information to quickly establish empathy and closeness. They want you to believe that you two are more connected than you are.
4. They are in a hurry to take the relationship to the next level
Based on some societal standards, a person is supposed to be married by a certain age. Imagine being under pressure to marry and have kids. Then comes this dashing man who does not believe in wasting time in courtship before marrying you. He may look like an answered prayer but watch out so you do not become a victim of love bombing.
A love bomber is always in a hurry to move things along. They are already talking about meeting your family when you have barely dated them. They have fixed a date for the introduction and subsequent traditional wedding. If it feels too soon, then that is a classic sign of love bombing.
5. Always making intense declarations of love
Feeling loved and wanted is what many crave for. It makes them feel special and valued. A love bomber knows this and will give it to you in excess doses. They may remind you of their love for you in every little conversation and constantly post about it on social media. Romantic words like, “I can’t live without you,” “I can’t breathe without you,” “You are the sugar in my tea” and stuff like that never seem to lack in their vocabulary.
6. Constantly demanding for attention and validation
A love bomber may excessively depend on you for comfort, time, energy and dedication. They are often too clingy and want to spend every single moment with you. A love bomber will bombard you with calls and texts asking where you are when you are not around them. Being around them can be exhausting because you will feel choked and want some time to yourself. Throughout your relationship, they may become upset and throw tantrums when you make plans without them. They can even go physical because, in their heads, you prefer your family and friends to them.
In terms of validation, complimenting a love bomber is never enough. You have to keep complimenting them on their greatness to help them cover up their insecurities and fragile self-esteem. So, they come back looking for more compliments which can lead to relationship burnout.
7. They like you better when you are alone
Love bombers do not like competition. They prefer having you all to themselves. This is primarily the reason why they display a narcissistic attitude like isolating you from your family and friends. They get upset when you are hanging out with anyone else.
8. Getting upset when you place boundaries
When the relationship is moving too fast for you and you want to slow it down by setting boundaries, a love bomber may get upset. They are not even going to respect your wishes for some space. Rather they will continue to try to manipulate you until they get what they want. A reasonable person will respect your wishes for personal space or a break and back off.
9. Never taking responsibility for their actions
A love bomber is never wrong. They will never admit to their faults. Instead, they will blame everything on someone or something else for their previously failed relationships. Soon, the blame will be on you. It takes a good person to own up to their faults and try to be better.
10. You feel overwhelmed and exhausted
When you are in a relationship that is draining you mentally, physically and emotionally, you are probably being love-bombed. It becomes worse when your partner is unbothered about how you feel when you try to tell them. This is one of the clearest signs of love bombing and you know how to handle it.
How to guard against love bombing
Trust your instincts. If your instinct is telling you that something is off, listen and investigate.
Establish healthy boundaries early.
Politely and firmly turn down any excessive gifts
Recognise your vulnerabilities and work on them so they will not be used against you.
Finally, avoid rushing into relationships.
