There is an abiding cultural script that suggests that men fantasize about virgins — specifically, being the man who “pops the cherry” of a beautiful, innocent young woman.
It’s everywhere from high-brow literature to men’s magazines to blockbuster films to porn scripts, and it has at its core the idea that virginity is a precious symbol of a woman’s purity, a “gift” to give a man of her choosing.
Virginity for men is a whole different story, of course: you only need to think about films likeThe 40-Year Old Virginto understand that, for men, virginity is seen as an embarrassing state that guys should try to rid themselves of as soon as possible.
Hence, we have a gendered (and heteronormative) conception of virginity: It’s embarrassing for men to be virgins and they should try to have sex as soon as possible, but virginity is a prize for women and the longer a girl keeps her chastity the more admirable she is.
This sets up a kind of zero-sum game where men try to “take” a woman’s virginity and women try to withhold it from all but the most desirable of men (and only once they’ve committed to her for life).
This is where the male fantasy element supposedly comes into play: because virgins are rare and precious, they’re seen as the ultimate sexual conquest for men.
How true is it really that men lust after virgins in this way, though? And what are some of the problems of a virgin fetish? Let’s explore this lingering myth:
The idea that men prefer virgins is increasingly starting to look like a dated stereotype, and most young men who spoke to AskMen felt that a virgin fantasy was creepy and old-fashioned.
“If I was dating someone and it turned out that she was a virgin, I would be surprised but non-judgmental about it,” says Mark, 26. “But the idea that I would be going out specifically looking for virgins doesn’t sit right with me. It’s seedy and makes me think of gross old men who can’t be around women their own age.”
Vince, 28, said he lost his virginity to another virgin when he was 17, but that he hasn’t since had sex with someone inexperienced before, nor has he sought to. ”
As you get older, it becomes less and less of a thing you think about. It would be really unusual to come across a virgin my age, and I don’t tend to date women that are a lot younger than me.”
“Virginity is a weird concept,” explains Jay, 30. “If you give 50 *** but have never had ***-in-vagina sex, are you a virgin? If you’re a lesbian who has never had sex with a man but has slept with dozens of women, are you are virgin? The whole idea is unstable and artificial, and I really don’t see why guys get hung up about it.”
Vince hit upon one of the reasons that seeking out virgins is increasingly viewed as creepy and wrong: virgins are usually very young women. There are lots of reasons that women may end up being in their 20s or beyond and still not have had sex, but, in general, virginity does tend to correlate with younger age.
Men who sleep with virgins who are much younger than them (in their teens, say, while they are well into their 20s or older) are taking advantage of a disturbing power dynamic which could affect girls at a vulnerable stage of their lives.
Young women might like the idea of being with an older man but aren’t yet mature enough to fully understand the ramifications, and men who take advantage of this state of confusion and immaturity are acting in a predatory manner.
As more and more men are accused of sexual harassment and assault against women over whom they wield significant power, society is starting to better understand how wrong — and prevalent — that behavior is. Men who seek out young, “innocent” women fall along that spectrum of creepy, predatory behavior.
Men who seek out virgins often have another problematic motivating factor: They’re intimidated or grossed out by experienced women.
This type of man views women through the lens of the Madonna/whore binary, considering the latter “sluts” or “hoes” who are, as a result, less moral, clean and desirable than their more inexperienced counterparts.
The idea that women are degraded by having a high number of sexual partners — or a high “body count” — is a form of slut-shaming
and tends to be held by people with dangerously retrograde ideas about women. Thankfully they’re becoming much less common in 2024, when men are decreasingly likely to be hung up on the number of sexual partners a woman has had.
Finally, some men prefer virgins because of their own insecurity: they feel self-conscious that women might compare them to previous partners, so they seek out girls who have never had anyone else.
While sexual insecurity is normal, it’s healthier to simply seek out partners who make their lovers feel comfortable and who never compare them to others rather than only sleeping with virgins — whom, it should be noted, are equally capable of being judgmental in bed than women who have had sex before.
The key is to sleep with decent, ethical, caring people, and this can’t be determined by “body count.” Let’s be clear: there’s nothing wrong with sleeping with a virgin in circumstances where there is an equal power dynamic and mutual respect, and we’re not condemning men who do that.
But we’re not going to mince our words: men who specifically seek out virgins are creepy, insecure and possibly predatory, and the idea that men prefer virgins is a harmful stereotype that is, fortunately, fading fast.
